Monday, July 6, 2015

Intro: On a brutally hot day, a good natured police officer gives a ride to a sullen young girl walking along the side of the highway. But no good deed goes unpunished, right?

No good deed goes unpunished or A shot in the dark
On a humid, 105-degree summer day, a blue-clad police officer lazily sits in his perfectly air conditioned squad car parked off a main highway (thanks Ike), reading a newspaper (see? He’s an honest cop, not using his dashboard mounted computer for personal reasons). He is technically running a radar speed trap, but he can’t arrest or ticket anyone anymore due to a recent US Supreme Court decision that ruled that criminals don’t commit crime, they’re just misunderstood and equitably redistributing wealth, and more importantly, that arresting, ticketing, and enforcing laws hurts people’s feelz and thus must be stopped because as you all know the law (and your rights, for that matter) end where hurt feelz begin. A lime green souped up Honda Civic flies by the officer’s position; the radar screams out a high pitched tone and indicates that the car is doing 182mph in a 55mph zone. Oh well. The officer doesn’t even look up from his paper; he looks like actor Anthony Perkins, perpetually anxious, easily embarrassed, yet good natured. A “no huffing while driving” law (joining “no wizz-facing while driving” and “no looking at emogothteensforall.com while driving” in the ever growing agglomeration of laws prohibiting stuff you can’t legally do while driving) was passed recently so he assumes the speeder has heard of this law and being a “misunderstood person with a heart of gold” will soon slow down before a frowny face event occurs. The theme from A Summer Place serenely plays in the background (from nowhere) as the officer continues to browse the paper. Among the headlines he scans are:
“The Confederate flag ate my baby!” local woman alleges—Sharpsburg, Maryland: A local mother lodged a formal complaint with police Tuesday after her baby went missing, alleging that the Confederate flag ate her baby and if only all Confederate flags everywhere were taken down (and whited out in all school textbooks) her baby would probably show up again, and in good health too.

The Confederate flag got me pregnant!” preggo teen claims—Petersburg, Virginia: Local pregnant teenager and former president of the Harry Potter Club at General George Pickett High School, Juno Moon, claimed Tuesday to her angry father that it was the Confederate flag that got her pregnant (even though she appears to be about six months along) and that if only all Confederate flags were taken down and everyone’s collective memory zapped clean of the Confederate flag, by a machine of some kind, she’d become un-pregnant, and in good health too.
“The Confederate flag stole my bike!” cyclist complains—Vicksburg, Mississippi: Local cyclist Ryder Strong regretfully announced Tuesday that he cannot take part in the city’s “Bike-a-thon for a cure for HPV” because he can’t find his steroids….uh….we mean…the Confederate flag stole his bicycle and thus he cannot compete. Mr. Strong added that if only all Confederate flags were taken down, burned, then their ashes shot into space and anyone who ever thought of the Confederate flag ever again put to DEATH, his bike would turn up on his doorstep tomorrow, and in good health too.
“The Confederate flag ate my sandwich!” fat man laments—Franklin, Tennessee: The state’s fattest man, 1,861 (symbolism!) pound Twinky Blimpo lamented Tuesday that his poppy seed sandwich was eaten by a Confederate flag and thus could not be eaten by him. Mr. Blimpo now says he faces certain starvation and death and that if only all Confederate flags were gathered up, put in a pile and then had four score worth of nuclear warheads dropped on them and everyone made to watch (with no goggles), then his sandwich would turn up in his hand within the hour, and in good health too.
 3rd worst mass shooting ever occurs, oh well whatever nevermind-- Port El Kantaoui, Tunisia: In what turned out to be the third worst mass shooting ever on record, 39 European tourists were shot to death by a lone Islamic gunman at a five-star hotel on the north coast of Tunisia on June 26th. Another 40 were wounded in the attack. The gunman was killed when police finally responded after a good 20 to 40 minutes. Oh well, no round the clock, wall-to-wall coverage, no changing of society, no prayer vigils or vandalism of statues or protests or changed attitudes or offenses taken that previously weren’t or improvement to anything or future cautionary measures taken of any kind. “Pffffttttttttt,” said the world collectively.
To the FAP-mobile! Cece Jones and Rocky Bleu debut sex tapes—Chicago, Illinois: In their latest desperate attempt to stay relevant former backup dancers on the popular Chicago dance TV show, “Shoot it Up!” both simultaneously debuted sex tapes, featuring them having sexual relations with a dad-bod sporting dude they hired from a fetish website. The tapes were amateurly filmed from four unwatchable angles and internet porn website critics have described the “oral segments” as “needing work” but the more “traditional segments” as “deliciously arousing, like they’ve done this before, highly erotic and unforgivably hawt.”
Kurds in Kobane lose chokepoint in fight against ISSILE—Kobane, Syria: The Kurds of Kobane suffered a setback in their struggle against ISSILE today when they lost the chokepoint codenamed “Grohl” located on the far side of the city. “Load up on guns, bring your friends,” ISSILE commander Mohammad Mohammad urged his followers on Twitter after the battle. “Come as you are, you know we’re right,” Kurd commander Muhammad Salami similarly beseeched his Twitter followers on Tuesday. The Kurdish fighting positions around Kobane now resemble a heart-shaped box. ISSILE, currently in bloom, are expected to resume their offensive Wednesday against Kurdish strong point codename “Pen Cap Chew” located on the east side of Kobane. The Obama administration has denied any coincidental symbolism regarding this battle.
Parents of dead teen decide not to become political activists—Nowhere, No-state-given: The parents of a teenager killed recently in a public tragedy of some kind have told the press they’ve decided not to become political activists in the aftermath of his untimely and premature death. Some things they have said they plan on NOT doing include testifying before Congress, advocating for a “rain on everyone else’s parade” type law, doing TV interviews, creating t-shirts, memes, and trademarking their son’s name. “Bad things are always going to happen, but being miserable doesn’t have to,” the grieving father commented. “Maybe we don’t need another law every time something bad happens in the world,” the grief-struck mother added, raising her hands in a shrugging motion.
Back in the squad car, amidst the blasts of cool air, Officer Goodnature scoffs and looks up from his newspaper. “Gee, nothing of note in the news today,” he grunts to himself. With that, he decides to take a cruise down the highway to give the appearance of patrolling. The car purrs like a kitten as he starts off and joins the incessant flow of traffic down the highway. He sees a line of freshly killed people lying shoulder-to-shoulder on the side of the road, their hands and legs neatly bound, but passes right on by, dismissing it as a “mass planking.” He was briefed by his shift lieutenant to expect such displays and dismiss them as just “good natured joking amongst friends” because in a recent survey the public said they were okay with an unlimited number of homicides as long as not one of them were by police or were investigated or prosecuted by police. So there.
Continuing on down the highway, he spies a young girl who looks about 22, walking down the side of the road by herself. She looks attractive and sad (nice combo). She appears to be about a hundred pounds soaking wet and five feet tall. Officer Goodnature maneuvers his car over to her side of the road and stops next to her. He intends to give her a ride to wherever she is going because walking down the side of the highway alone on a 105-degree day is dangerous and doing little personal favors, like giving rides, turning on light switches, and most importantly (and frequently of all) reversing heroin overdoses is one of the few things left that he can still legally do as a cop. Plus she looks sad (aw).
“Excuse me, miss, can I help you?” he begins, sounding polite, trying not to intrude.
The young girl stops and looks at him for a few seconds.
“I was just walking to the hospital,” she murmurs innocently.
“Well, do you need a ride? Kinda hot out here today yanno,” he continues, smiling goofily.
“Sure…..” she mutters breathlessly.
Officer Goodnature pops open the door and she slowly lopes over to the car and gets in the passenger seat beside him. Without a word more Officer Goodnature starts down the highway again, feeling like he’s really made a difference in the world and happy that he got into this line of work.
After a minute of two or silence, he looks over at her, she’s been silent the whole time, almost zombie-like, catatonic, she looks sullen.
“We’ll be at the hospital in about five minutes…if you don’t mind me asking, why are you going there, miss? Visiting a sick relative?” he asks, gambling that he is not prying too much.
“Kinda bummed about life…” she says in a near whisper.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Officer Goodnature responds, unsure of what else to say.
After about a minute more of silent driving down the highway, the young girl suddenly turns to Officer Goodnature. He looks at her and makes eye contact. He smiles in his own good natured way.
Then, in one lightning quick movement, whilst remaining both wordless and expressionless, the young girl reaches down, pulls Officer Goodnature’s Sig Sauer pistol from his holster, raises it up, puts it to her temple, and blows her brains out all over the front windshield of the car.
“BOOM! HEADSHOT!” an announcer’s voice from nowhere yells.
Or alternatively, “YO!” an announcer’s voice from nowhere shouts.
Or alternatively, “GORSH!” an announcer’s voice from nowhere hollers.
Her lifeless corpse drapes itself over the seat, as dead as you ever wanna get, not even bothering to spasm or twitch. Officer Goodnature stares in utter shock and horror for several seconds, frozen by the suddenness of recent events. Gradually his mouth contorts into an “O” shape as if he is stuck in a silent scream. He brings the car to an abrupt halt on the side of the highway, then looks over at the girl’s slumping corpse again, hoping to hell that he just imagined all that and she really is alive and well (well, sorta well at least).
However, nothing has changed; the contents of the young girl’s head continue to leak out onto the floor of the car like the draining of a broken snow globe. Now the reality of the situation has finally hit home for him, his mind finally comprehends the incomprehensible situation.
Subconsciously mimicking the scene from The Godfather where a man wakes up to the decapitated head of his favorite horse in his bed, Officer Goodnature howls, “Aaahh! Aaahhh! Aaaah!”
As he continues to scream, his gaze stuck on the young girl’s shattered skull, somewhere in the distance, a bird flies off a tree.
……………
Oh and later on, the girl’s oh-so-caring “family” (an all-female tribe of ugly 600-pounds-a-piece women) blame Officer Goodnature and say he shot her on purpose. (It’s like rayyyyyynnnneeee on your wedddding dayyyy!)
………………….
The End.
………………………
(Oh wait…..was that ending too frowny face for all of you out there? Okay, well see below).
…………………………….
Somewhere in the distance, a bird flies off a tree, a whooshing sound is heard and an indeterminate amount of time passes.
Officer Goodnature now walks into a nicely furnished waiting room of some sort. He calmly takes a seat and begins to wait patiently for someone or something.
From a random doorway, the young girl emerges, looking happy and healthy with her head in one piece. She takes a seat across from Officer Goodnature.
“Wow, you look great! How you’ve been?” Officer Goodnature gushes.
“I’m doing really well, I feel like I have a new lease on life and things are looking up!” The young girl elatedly informs him, now talking in a normal voice and not a low mumble.
“Wonderful, really wonderful. So what did your doctor say?” Office Goodnature, who can’t stop smiling, inquires of her, beaming in delight that something worked out for once.
“Oh, he didn’t say much….he just took down the Confederate flag, that’s all,” the young girl tells him matter-of-factly whilst smiling a wide, full, white teethed smile.
“Oh!” Officer Goodnature yelps in surprise, his mouth now in the shape of an oval due to his unmitigated astonishment.
“Let’s take a selfie!” the young girl proposes, she stands up and pulls Officer Goodnature to his feet and out of his complete, total, absolute, unabashed, knockdown, drag out, twist an arm, mindfuckery of disbelief. The theme from A Summer Place starts up again as they position themselves.
The two huddle together and she snaps a selfie of them smiling and looking like genuinely happy people.
However, unbeknownst to either of them, in the background of the selfie, lurking sinisterly behind a potted plant in the waiting room is none other than the Confederate flag. The “dun dun dun dun dun” part of The Terminator theme evilly plays in the background as the Confederate flag peeks out from behind the potted plant, dastardly….existing.
Trivia: References include the dingo ate my baby case, Perfect High, Shake It Up, the Mattress girl sex tape, the 2015 Sousse attack, The Godfather, The Terminator, FPS Doug, Garfield and Friends, the Confederate flag debate/outrage, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, A Summer Place, Clancy, politically crusading parents, Psycho, Catch-22, The Trial (1962 version), planking, Suicide Girls (no pun intended), Wizards of Waverly Place, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Harry Potter, Victorious, Citizen Kane, the Punchout! stole my bike meme, The Simpsons, Juno, the US Civil War, Fire Birds, Flight of the Navigator, Dwight Eisenhower, Lance Armstrong, "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette, the Gettysburg Address, Batman, internet slang, and Nirvana.
--There was a case like this in real life.
--New Jersey does have a “no huffing while driving” law, specifically.
--Cops in New Jersey have been called to turn on light switches.
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